Beauty and cowardice and me

I will go crazy, in the ecstasy of the knowledge. Being one with the art, feeling it. I will have to let myself go. My heart will break free and have no control on itself. It will roam the streets, naked. Not knowing anything, but looking, searching, lost in its own memories. It will look deep within itself and see a big, empty void. It will see the transience of things and wonder at man's foolishness in the belief of eternity. It will walk on the high streets and turn off the big gas lamps. It will plunge into darkness and find joy in its midst.

 
 

I have seen so little, and yet I am overwhelmed. If I let myself go, my heart will set out on a journey of its own. But it is a journey into nothingness. There is no end, except in madness. The loneliness, the silence, Death's deep, booming sound and Insanity's mad cackle of laughter. I shall drown and not be seen again. My dreams will no longer resemble reality. But oh, what is reality? Is the madness I'm descending into part of my dream? How shall I live if I let myself go? I have no courage. What of everything they have told me, the people around me?

 
 

Show me no more. I beg you. Beauty is a dangerous thing. It is like seven sharp knives. And it destroys. It takes the body and rips it apart. And then it sews the soul together, slowly, stitch by stitch, carefully. But what good is the soul if the body does not exist. I don't want to be part of this madness. I will live my crass, crude life and ignore Beauty. I am too afraid to touch it. Do not attempt to burn your torch of life into me. I am too afraid to carry it. Show me no more, tell me no more. Let me be, I beg you.

Just Life

You know how half way through your life you find out that you haven't really changed that much. That in all that you did, there was always this common thread flowing. Well, that's how being a girl pretty much felt like for me. In everything I did, everything I was told, there was always this thing underneath, that I am a girl. It made me live my life in a defensive mode. Kind of like, when you think someone's criticizing you, when they're not really, and you get all excited and jump up and down and explain your point. You end up sounding pretty stupid at the end, because they weren't really saying anything mean to you in the first place. That's how I lived my life. I thought they'd keep putting me down cuz I was a girl, so I kept doing all these 'manly' things, so that they wouldn't. So I would play with cars, while all my friends played with barbie dolls, and I would act all brave in the dark, and I said girls are stupid. And when I grew up, I made faces at girls who did all kinds of 'girly' things, like waxing and wearing skirts. Oh no, I wouldn't do such things. I was the cool one in the loose t-shirts and men's jeans who cracked perverted jokes and beat up people I didn't like. Didn't I feel proud of myself then?

But then one day it struck me. That in everything that I did, trying so hard to not be a 'girl', I was reinforcing those very stereotypes that I thought I was dead against. I seemed to be saying that being like a guy and doing 'guy' things were way cooler than being a girl. And when I realized that, everything in my life just went phut. I was suddenly nobody. And I didn't know jack about myself. It's not a great feeling being nobody. Cuz you don't know anything about yourself and you can get pulled in all kinds of directions by all kinds of people. Like me. I went from wanting to be a kick-ass lawyer and rocking the world to wanting to be an idle rich. My latest dream is to be the leader of an oh-so-cool biker gang, marry a hot sicilian mafia don and then kill him and take over his empire. We're gonna do real classy stuff - classy drugs and amo, the best ever. And we'll do like horserace and casinos. Like in the old times. And then, I'm gonna throw it all away and become the captain of a pirate ship, with my best friend as the mate, and we're gonna sail the vast oceans and rob the government of it's unjustified power, and do cool shit like that. Me and my best friend, we're gonna be together all the time. It's gonna be really awesome. I have my whole life planned out. I even got my friend to do a fake tattoo. People actually fell for it, till it smudged and then it was real embarrassing. I'm still gonna rock the world though.