Why I read - Part 1

Life is all a matter of perception (or MoP as my boyfriend calls it). Everything that you and I say, do, believe is determinant on the perspective that we have on life. Which is why if you are observant enough, you can be "psychic". When you 'know' someone, you can predict their behaviour; you can tell if so-and-so person will like such-and-such music or whether x and y will get along or hate each other, all kinds of stuff. (I spend my life trying to make myself as unpredictable as possible and I think I'm proud to say that I think I've succeeded to some extent at least).

But I digress (like Austin, except it's shorter). Back to MoP. Now, since everything in our life is so dependent on perspective, isn't it then important that we cultivate this, that we choose which perspective we will live our life by and have the opportunity to change that if given good reason to? I think yes. So it's really surprising that most of us spend such little time and thought on creating the right perspective for us. This is where reading comes in for me. It is obvious that I can't go through all the varied experiences that a human being could go through. So instead of going through them myself, I go through them vicariously, by reading.

Writing, any form of it, is basically a perspective laid down by somebody. This perspective may coincide with mine, it might be totally contradictory to mine, or it may be something completely new. If coinciding, it can help reinforce my own perception and even give me stronger reasons for believing that I am right. If contradictory, it allows me to see the good points of that perspective, maybe rebut some assumptions or conclusions, or simply decide that it doesn't suit me. And something completely new, well, there needn't be much said about that right? Broadening of horizons and all of that.

So the more I read, the greater my understanding of the world and its workings etc. It helps me sort out my beliefs and understand why I think the way I do.

But getting different perspectives on life is only one of the reasons for reading. In later posts, I will talk about other reasons for reading. Maybe. 

Fans and obsessions

I can't obsess. No I mean it. I can't. I want to, but I can't. Everything I've 'obsessed' over...has lasted hardly a month. It didn't even start until 3rd year in college..can you believe that? So I spent 19 years of my life without a single obsession - not one actor, not one show, not one singer..nothing. Kinda sad. And now I realized I can't anymore. My attention span is too short. Too short. So I went mad about Jim Parsons, the actor from Big Bang Theory for a little bit. And then I moved on. And then I obsessed over Star Trek, the show...for a bit. Moved on again. Obsessed over Arthur (Camelot, Merlin and stuff). But it seems I'm moving on from that too. Moving to Game of Thrones...I'm trying to learn Dothraki. But learning a language is difficult. And I don't know how long my attention will stay. And I forget things. I have to read something over and over to remember it. I don't know why. So many people just remember things they love. I don't. I can't even remember Jim Parson's birthday now. That's how sad I am. I don't know why this is so. Maybe I'm too sensible, maybe I can't concentrate on one thing or one person, or I don't have persistence. Yeah that's what it probably is. Anyway whatever the reason, I just don't know a whole lot about anything. Because I get bored. I really hope someday I will be able to. That there'll be this one topic that I will be like a real expert on. That will be sooooo cool.

The princess and the whore

She believed in a fairy tale life, says my friend. A happily ever after. That's what she wanted. And I? Quite the opposite. What I wanted was a wealth of experiences. Different men (and women), different countries, anything I could find, everything I could take. I said I wouldn't let society stop me. She was part of it. And now look at us both. Three years in college. 21 years old. And we are such completely different people. Still the opposite of each other, but oh how we've changed! The princess got not one charming prince in a castle, but instead many drunken fools at the inn. The wannabe whore on the other hand was betrothed to a scribe.
Is this what my life is going to be? Doing what I 'must', living as others want me to? Trying not to hurt anyone, although being unhappy myself? You are lucky, they say to me. You have everything one can want, they say, a good education, a wonderful partner, a settled life. But this is not what I want. I want excitement, I want wildness, I want to experience everything that life has to offer me. I want to take all the men I can find, and all the women too. I want to ride a bike on a mountainside in the Philippines and visit the Dalai Lama. I want to smoke up every day for two weeks and have sex with a different man everyday. I wanna go bungee jumping and white water rafting and para gliding and sky diving. I want to feel fear like I've never felt before and eat food that I've never tasted before.
But I won't do them. Because I don't dream. Because I tell myself that they're right, that I have the life that everyone wants, that I just need to get used to it. This is where I belong, they tell me. And I listen. So maybe my friend is right. I will marry the scribe one day and become a professor. And when I have grandchildren, I won't be able to tell them my stories, because I won't have any.
And her, the beautiful Princess of Andalesia? She will divest herself of her robes and her crown and she will spend her life in the inn. And we will both hate the lives we lead and curse it with the choicest of words. And we will look back at the persons we were, wondering why our dreams faded, why we let them go by. I like to think things will be different, that we will both one day find what we are looking for, that we won't spend our whole lives searching, searching....

To Teach or Not to Teach....

This is a simple narration of a very important experience of my life....my first time being a teacher (of sorts). 

Economics tutorials were scheduled for the last month of the semester and so I spent most of my semester in sweet indifference. Early November had me sweating though. Before I even reached college after my mid-semester vacation/internship, the tutorial question was out. But Economics was 'my' subject, and I was pretty confident (almost arrogant, come to think of it) about it. After all, hadn't I explained economics concepts to my friends a million times! 

Still living in blissful oblivion, I collected the papers allotted to me and like everything else in my life, kept them aside for when I was 'in the mood'. Soon as I began correcting the first paper though, all the wind had left my carefree sails. I realized that this wasn't anything like explaining economics to friends, or helping with editing projects. For one, there was a hierarchy. I'd been forced to put myself in a superior position, being the 'teacher' so to speak (Trust me, by the time I was done, I felt anything but superior!). Secondly, I knew I would be judged, possibly more than I would have to judge them. And third, I realized my economics was more rusty than I thought. 

I obsessed over this for an entire day, worrying myself till I could worry no more. And being compared by friends to a certain eminent jurisprudence professor, who had been less than liked in college, wasn't helping my confidence any. I finally did manage to push my thoughts to the background and finish the papers, more because I didn't have a choice in the matter than anything else. But this was only the first (and in retrospect, almost the easiest) part of the entire ordeal. 

Next came the dreaded discussion! Now this one really had me hitting the panic button. Having always been of the firm opinion that disinterested students were nothing but a reflection on the quality of teaching, I realized that this time, I'd have to pit my logic against myself. 

So it was with great trepidation that I began the first session. But almost as soon as I began, I realized why I was doing this. I remembered the love I had for economics, the passion with which I had thrown myself into it in my first year. I thought of how Nawn Sir would be proud of me. And my fear vanished. It no longer mattered if they thought I was stupid because I didn't know the answer to any question or if I answered wrong. I recalled how much fun my friend and I used to have in the first year, sitting around early mornings, sipping tea and  discussing the day’s readings – challenging assumptions, disagreeing with each other, proving each other wrong, being proved wrong. And I realized that I'd been given a chance to do that all over again. So I concentrated on simply enjoying the feeling of being in the middle of an economics-related discussion after a very long time. The response I got startled me and I was genuinely touched by the interest shown. 

Having now finished marking (another hard job), I have come to realize that a teacher's job isn't half as easy as it might seem. Holding people's attention, trying to be fair without being too soft, accepting and learning from mistakes and growing with the students are all part of it. But nothing beats the feeling of knowing that maybe, just maybe, you’ve helped another person find the love that you have.

So this is dedicated to all the second years in my group – gratitude for your interest, your patience and your acceptance, and sincere apologies for all my mistakes (which were many). And more importantly, to all my teachers – for teaching me, even when I didn't want to learn. 

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret Unicorn (movie 2011)

Today has been one hell of an exciting day!! Tintin released today (an entire month before it releases in the U.S. :D )I'd been looking forward to it for almost a year now!! I couldn't stop fidgeting all night yesterday and through class today morning...I was so excited! As soon as class got over, me and my friend almost tumbled out to the theater in such haste...people must've thought we'd gone mad!!!

Oh and we were not disappointed! It was AWESOME!!! Herge would've been so proud of Steven Spielberg. Oh and Steven Moffat has done another brilliant job!!! Although I was a little sad that it didn't stick to the story, I vowed not to let it spoil the movie for me and anyway I loved how the spirit of the comic was retained. It was clear that Spielberg is a big Tintin fan too!! It was almost like fan fiction. :D

Andy Serkis disappointed me a little bit (but only because Haddock had been my favourite character). Oh but Snowy more than made up for it. Snowy was absolutely brilliant in the movie....the way he handed Haddock the bottle of liquor and how he cringed when Bianca was singing!! :D :D :D And so was Jamie Bell. Bell really brought out the character of Tintin beautifully! I've begun to look at Tintin himself with new found respect. And this has been Daniel Craig's best performance to date I must say.

But I'd been so excited about the movie that I don't think I processed it at all. I must see it again, and this time more calmly.

My God

To those of you who tell me that because I am an atheist, I don't have a God - My God is my belief in the goodness of humanity. Like God, it's existence or non-existence can almost never be accurately tested. Like faith in God, my faith in humanity is half-blind. Like everybody else, I doubt my God sometimes, wonder if I'm placing too much confidence in God.

Like all other faith, I come to the conclusion that I must defend the existence of my God at all costs. I've also realized that my entire life revolves around my God and that whether or not God exists or not, it is all I have to really hold on to. And as my friend said to me, "You believe even when you walk back wet and tired from the beach to the bench from where your clothes have been stolen."  And that is what it is all about.

Of life, death and other things....

Death. It is odd how our entire life revolves around the awareness of this phenomenon. That we will all die. That someday we will cease to exist. Maybe humankind will cease to exist. We are all so frightened of non-existence, that the seventy or eighty odd years of our existence will have no meaning, that we strive every moment of our life to make ourselves immortal. All of us want to immortalize ourselves, and almost everyone, by the work they do, the contribution that they make to mankind, as if we are some tiny cog in a giant machine.

Before we can utter a coherent sentence, we are asked "what do you want to be?" and the ideal answer to that would be "a doctor, an engineer…" or some other profession. A child who does not reply in this vein would be considered to be ill brought up, maybe stupid. Right from when our cognizance begins, we are ingrained with the idea that what we do defines who we are. And that determines our life from then forth. We all forget our worth as human beings. "I am of value simply because I exist" - why is this simple, straightforward thought so difficult to fathom? Why do we constantly need to prove our worth to someone, be it just to ourselves? Do the flowers and the birds have any purpose? Are they not valuable by their very existence? Then are we, humans, so below the birds of the sky and the flowers of the earth, that our existence must be justified?

Why did I speak of death? Because I believe that when we could truly accept death as the end, when we realize that we exist now, and that we will cease to exist no matter what, we will stop worrying so much about our life. We will then, maybe, look upon life as what it really is, a few precious moments of consciousness. Moments, that we decide will bring us joy or pain. Because Death defines Life. And this knowledge defines us.