To Teach or Not to Teach....

This is a simple narration of a very important experience of my life....my first time being a teacher (of sorts). 

Economics tutorials were scheduled for the last month of the semester and so I spent most of my semester in sweet indifference. Early November had me sweating though. Before I even reached college after my mid-semester vacation/internship, the tutorial question was out. But Economics was 'my' subject, and I was pretty confident (almost arrogant, come to think of it) about it. After all, hadn't I explained economics concepts to my friends a million times! 

Still living in blissful oblivion, I collected the papers allotted to me and like everything else in my life, kept them aside for when I was 'in the mood'. Soon as I began correcting the first paper though, all the wind had left my carefree sails. I realized that this wasn't anything like explaining economics to friends, or helping with editing projects. For one, there was a hierarchy. I'd been forced to put myself in a superior position, being the 'teacher' so to speak (Trust me, by the time I was done, I felt anything but superior!). Secondly, I knew I would be judged, possibly more than I would have to judge them. And third, I realized my economics was more rusty than I thought. 

I obsessed over this for an entire day, worrying myself till I could worry no more. And being compared by friends to a certain eminent jurisprudence professor, who had been less than liked in college, wasn't helping my confidence any. I finally did manage to push my thoughts to the background and finish the papers, more because I didn't have a choice in the matter than anything else. But this was only the first (and in retrospect, almost the easiest) part of the entire ordeal. 

Next came the dreaded discussion! Now this one really had me hitting the panic button. Having always been of the firm opinion that disinterested students were nothing but a reflection on the quality of teaching, I realized that this time, I'd have to pit my logic against myself. 

So it was with great trepidation that I began the first session. But almost as soon as I began, I realized why I was doing this. I remembered the love I had for economics, the passion with which I had thrown myself into it in my first year. I thought of how Nawn Sir would be proud of me. And my fear vanished. It no longer mattered if they thought I was stupid because I didn't know the answer to any question or if I answered wrong. I recalled how much fun my friend and I used to have in the first year, sitting around early mornings, sipping tea and  discussing the day’s readings – challenging assumptions, disagreeing with each other, proving each other wrong, being proved wrong. And I realized that I'd been given a chance to do that all over again. So I concentrated on simply enjoying the feeling of being in the middle of an economics-related discussion after a very long time. The response I got startled me and I was genuinely touched by the interest shown. 

Having now finished marking (another hard job), I have come to realize that a teacher's job isn't half as easy as it might seem. Holding people's attention, trying to be fair without being too soft, accepting and learning from mistakes and growing with the students are all part of it. But nothing beats the feeling of knowing that maybe, just maybe, you’ve helped another person find the love that you have.

So this is dedicated to all the second years in my group – gratitude for your interest, your patience and your acceptance, and sincere apologies for all my mistakes (which were many). And more importantly, to all my teachers – for teaching me, even when I didn't want to learn. 

The Adventures of Tintin: The Secret Unicorn (movie 2011)

Today has been one hell of an exciting day!! Tintin released today (an entire month before it releases in the U.S. :D )I'd been looking forward to it for almost a year now!! I couldn't stop fidgeting all night yesterday and through class today morning...I was so excited! As soon as class got over, me and my friend almost tumbled out to the theater in such haste...people must've thought we'd gone mad!!!

Oh and we were not disappointed! It was AWESOME!!! Herge would've been so proud of Steven Spielberg. Oh and Steven Moffat has done another brilliant job!!! Although I was a little sad that it didn't stick to the story, I vowed not to let it spoil the movie for me and anyway I loved how the spirit of the comic was retained. It was clear that Spielberg is a big Tintin fan too!! It was almost like fan fiction. :D

Andy Serkis disappointed me a little bit (but only because Haddock had been my favourite character). Oh but Snowy more than made up for it. Snowy was absolutely brilliant in the movie....the way he handed Haddock the bottle of liquor and how he cringed when Bianca was singing!! :D :D :D And so was Jamie Bell. Bell really brought out the character of Tintin beautifully! I've begun to look at Tintin himself with new found respect. And this has been Daniel Craig's best performance to date I must say.

But I'd been so excited about the movie that I don't think I processed it at all. I must see it again, and this time more calmly.

My God

To those of you who tell me that because I am an atheist, I don't have a God - My God is my belief in the goodness of humanity. Like God, it's existence or non-existence can almost never be accurately tested. Like faith in God, my faith in humanity is half-blind. Like everybody else, I doubt my God sometimes, wonder if I'm placing too much confidence in God.

Like all other faith, I come to the conclusion that I must defend the existence of my God at all costs. I've also realized that my entire life revolves around my God and that whether or not God exists or not, it is all I have to really hold on to. And as my friend said to me, "You believe even when you walk back wet and tired from the beach to the bench from where your clothes have been stolen."  And that is what it is all about.

Of life, death and other things....

Death. It is odd how our entire life revolves around the awareness of this phenomenon. That we will all die. That someday we will cease to exist. Maybe humankind will cease to exist. We are all so frightened of non-existence, that the seventy or eighty odd years of our existence will have no meaning, that we strive every moment of our life to make ourselves immortal. All of us want to immortalize ourselves, and almost everyone, by the work they do, the contribution that they make to mankind, as if we are some tiny cog in a giant machine.

Before we can utter a coherent sentence, we are asked "what do you want to be?" and the ideal answer to that would be "a doctor, an engineer…" or some other profession. A child who does not reply in this vein would be considered to be ill brought up, maybe stupid. Right from when our cognizance begins, we are ingrained with the idea that what we do defines who we are. And that determines our life from then forth. We all forget our worth as human beings. "I am of value simply because I exist" - why is this simple, straightforward thought so difficult to fathom? Why do we constantly need to prove our worth to someone, be it just to ourselves? Do the flowers and the birds have any purpose? Are they not valuable by their very existence? Then are we, humans, so below the birds of the sky and the flowers of the earth, that our existence must be justified?

Why did I speak of death? Because I believe that when we could truly accept death as the end, when we realize that we exist now, and that we will cease to exist no matter what, we will stop worrying so much about our life. We will then, maybe, look upon life as what it really is, a few precious moments of consciousness. Moments, that we decide will bring us joy or pain. Because Death defines Life. And this knowledge defines us.

Incomprehensible babble

It is surprising how often you forget to talk to yourself. And then, someone comes along, someone you don't know and don't care about, and they remind you of how much you miss yourself. Miss being with yourself, talking to yourself. It has been such a long while since I've been just me. Now it's always me and him, him and me. I miss myself. And I know I'm not making any sense to anyone else, but I know I'm making sense to me. And that's the best part about talking to yourself, and being with yourself. You can't get tired of yourself, and you can say whatever you like, because you will never misunderstand yourself.

Beauty and cowardice and me

I will go crazy, in the ecstasy of the knowledge. Being one with the art, feeling it. I will have to let myself go. My heart will break free and have no control on itself. It will roam the streets, naked. Not knowing anything, but looking, searching, lost in its own memories. It will look deep within itself and see a big, empty void. It will see the transience of things and wonder at man's foolishness in the belief of eternity. It will walk on the high streets and turn off the big gas lamps. It will plunge into darkness and find joy in its midst.

 
 

I have seen so little, and yet I am overwhelmed. If I let myself go, my heart will set out on a journey of its own. But it is a journey into nothingness. There is no end, except in madness. The loneliness, the silence, Death's deep, booming sound and Insanity's mad cackle of laughter. I shall drown and not be seen again. My dreams will no longer resemble reality. But oh, what is reality? Is the madness I'm descending into part of my dream? How shall I live if I let myself go? I have no courage. What of everything they have told me, the people around me?

 
 

Show me no more. I beg you. Beauty is a dangerous thing. It is like seven sharp knives. And it destroys. It takes the body and rips it apart. And then it sews the soul together, slowly, stitch by stitch, carefully. But what good is the soul if the body does not exist. I don't want to be part of this madness. I will live my crass, crude life and ignore Beauty. I am too afraid to touch it. Do not attempt to burn your torch of life into me. I am too afraid to carry it. Show me no more, tell me no more. Let me be, I beg you.

Just Life

You know how half way through your life you find out that you haven't really changed that much. That in all that you did, there was always this common thread flowing. Well, that's how being a girl pretty much felt like for me. In everything I did, everything I was told, there was always this thing underneath, that I am a girl. It made me live my life in a defensive mode. Kind of like, when you think someone's criticizing you, when they're not really, and you get all excited and jump up and down and explain your point. You end up sounding pretty stupid at the end, because they weren't really saying anything mean to you in the first place. That's how I lived my life. I thought they'd keep putting me down cuz I was a girl, so I kept doing all these 'manly' things, so that they wouldn't. So I would play with cars, while all my friends played with barbie dolls, and I would act all brave in the dark, and I said girls are stupid. And when I grew up, I made faces at girls who did all kinds of 'girly' things, like waxing and wearing skirts. Oh no, I wouldn't do such things. I was the cool one in the loose t-shirts and men's jeans who cracked perverted jokes and beat up people I didn't like. Didn't I feel proud of myself then?

But then one day it struck me. That in everything that I did, trying so hard to not be a 'girl', I was reinforcing those very stereotypes that I thought I was dead against. I seemed to be saying that being like a guy and doing 'guy' things were way cooler than being a girl. And when I realized that, everything in my life just went phut. I was suddenly nobody. And I didn't know jack about myself. It's not a great feeling being nobody. Cuz you don't know anything about yourself and you can get pulled in all kinds of directions by all kinds of people. Like me. I went from wanting to be a kick-ass lawyer and rocking the world to wanting to be an idle rich. My latest dream is to be the leader of an oh-so-cool biker gang, marry a hot sicilian mafia don and then kill him and take over his empire. We're gonna do real classy stuff - classy drugs and amo, the best ever. And we'll do like horserace and casinos. Like in the old times. And then, I'm gonna throw it all away and become the captain of a pirate ship, with my best friend as the mate, and we're gonna sail the vast oceans and rob the government of it's unjustified power, and do cool shit like that. Me and my best friend, we're gonna be together all the time. It's gonna be really awesome. I have my whole life planned out. I even got my friend to do a fake tattoo. People actually fell for it, till it smudged and then it was real embarrassing. I'm still gonna rock the world though.